if you love "All Quiet on the Western Front," "Moby Dick," or "A Tale of Two Cities," then prepare to hate all of them with a passion. For this one Autobiography will make you think that all other books look like toilet paper

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Douchebag police

Ok, here's what I've come up with in my three year hiatus: A douchebag police force.

I guess the best way to describe it is: justice (most likely vigilante, but maybe someday, legally appointed... I can dream can't I?) taken out only on those certian members of our society who feel that they are above us common peasants.

Now for those of you who don't know exactly who I'm talking about, someone included in the definition of "Douchebag" may include: the guy with the pimped out truck who feels the need to take up two spaces at the front of the grocery store or movie theatre, the person who believes that the world is his or her personal ashtray, or perhaps those that feel that in order to have a good day, they themselves must inform us common peasants that that's just what we are, and that something we did (such as causing them to wait in line for 30 more seconds, so we've made sure that we got our sweet and sour sauce) is taking up their valuable time.

Imagine if such a douchebag police force existed: Douchebag Male, aged 32, single, has too much money for his own good, parks his S10 (which at this point has been so pimped out that he is unable to use it for anything you would use a truck for anyway) at the front of the drugstore, taking up two spaces. The douchebag police (who have been tracking him for many minutes already) appear from behind the bushes with legally appointed sledgehammers. They make sure that the two parking stalls that he has taken up, is now only one space, so that the sweet old lady (who very well might not have found a spot for at least 6 cars in either direction) may park her Plymouth Sundance accordingly, and buy her medication.

Another scenario if you will (because you probably have stopped reading at this point, so I will continue): Douchebag Female, aged 23, driving her '95 Cavalier, is taking the last puff of her cigarette, she throws the butt out the window, and continues along the way. Douchebag police spot the butt flying out of the window and dispatch a member to the median of the next intersection she stops at. He smiles at her as she rolls down her window, then proceeds to pour a bucket full of cigarette butts onto her lap and tells her to have a nice day...

ahh, the sweet sting of justice.

ok, bye.

Monday, July 09, 2007

well, here's the deal/throwing fireworks

my loyal readers: here's what's goin' on, I don't really have time to write in my blog anymore, instead, I am out having fun with people, I have used the phone to call up someone, and spend time with them face to face. I might have time some time to write in my blog, but I doubt it, if you need a good laugh, then hook onto Garner Andrews, he's cool.

(and thank you very much to the concerned person who asked me about my eating habits, I am eating well, and it's all good, I am still alive (I still do eat a little fast though)).

So let me make you smile (potentially for the last time in a while): So I have a friend, and he recently acuired some bottlerockets, which is all fine and good, but he was recently telling me that he was planning to light it, throw it, and enjoy the explosion. Well, that's all fine and good, except for the fact that bottlerockets shoot flaming explosive, and if you happen to throw it, how do you know that when you throw it, the point of the bottlerocket (where the flaming explosive comes out) is not going to point at you, potentially exploding in your face? I don't get it.

There are some people in this world that you want to grab their hair, look into their eyes, and just yell at the top of your lungs "THINK!!!!!" I don't understand why people don't think, but it's kind of frustrating, oh well, whatever.

ok, bye.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

a favorite pasttime killed because of my ever changing body

I haven't been hungry in years. You know that sensation that says "man, I could really go for something to eat right now"? I don't have that anymore, all I get is "man, my stomach's rumbling, and I'm getting a headache, I should probably put food in me." I am sad because of this. I really enjoy food, and now it's as if I have no desire for it. Don't get me wrong, I always have a good time when I'm eating, but I don't really look forward to it anymore (which might be a good thing all said and done). But now my body has pulled a fast one on me. I eat way too fast. I sit, eat, and I'm done, like usual, but when I get up to put my plate in the dishwasher, everyone's still eating for a few more minutes! So here's the challange, if ever you're eating with me, and I'm goin' waaay too fast, just let me know, because I've been trying to work on eating slower, but by the time I remember to eat slower, I'm already done, shucks eh? I need your help dear loyal readers of my blog (all 2 of you) to help me to eat slower! I haven't made any new years resolutions yet, but I think this would be a good one.

ok, bye

Thursday, January 04, 2007

the slinkey of many morals

remember that slinkey that taught me a very valuable lesson? (if you don't, then you'll have to read EVERY single post until you've found it, hahahaha) Anyways, I have very sad news: it no longer stands on its own. I am sad. My cousin got to it. Now for those of you that don't know me, I have many cousins, some of them are very small, but it wasn't one of those that got to my precious slinkey, it was my cousin Justin, who's 17 now (happy birthday by the way, Justin, even though I don't think you know that this blog exists...oh well). I tell ya, it runs in the family, wrecking slinkeys. I mean, if it was me that wrecked it, then that's ok, because it's mine, but when someone else wrecks something as treasured as your slinkey...it's just too bad.

So the moral of this little tale is: if you're gonna screw around with someone else's stuff, don't wreck it! And if you do, at least apologize, and buy them a new one.

ok, bye

Monday, January 01, 2007

go figure

so I thought I'd get a jump on aboslutely everybody, and buy a calendar in November, so that it would be cheaper, and I could just bust it out today (Happy new year, by the way). And as fate would have it, it is the first of January, and I can't find the bloody thing, I don't remember where I put it. Dang, I was really looking forward to it too, I've broken the tradition of the simpsons trivial calendar, and bought the far side day to day calendar. But now I'll get confused and never know what day it is, so if I go around forgetting your birthdays, (as usual I'm afraid) now I have a very bad excuse, but hey, it's a start.

ok, bye.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I got it!

ok, Danny Mcgee is my hero. I finally remembered what I was going to write about yesterday! Normally, I don't do more than one post a week, but I have to do this now, otherwise I'll forget again, and it'll never be heard. I absolutely love that Rasin bran commercial, about Danny Mcgee, the lumberjack. It comes on the radio all the time, and every time I hear it, I turn it up and smile, becuase I'm happy for Danny, if you haven't seen/heard the commercial, it's on youtube, and the tv and stuff. It's just so great, especially the part where the singer guy's like "He was one happy man!" every time I hear that I just wanna yell and celebrate that Dan got his fill of raisin bran. I don't know why I enjoy that commercial so much, but it is by far my favorite commercial of all time, if I'm feelin' real down, and that commercial came on, it'd be the best day of my life, it's just so dang awesome.

ok, bye

Monday, December 18, 2006

for the 5 of you who responded to my email

hi! thanks for checkin' out the old blog. well, I forgot to say some things in the email, because it was getting kind of long, but anyway, you might want to start at the first post, and go from there, I don't know if it reads like a book, but I mean, that's the way I wrote them, so maybe that's the way they should be read, and I hope that you all remain faithful to come here, I think it'd be well worth it, but then again, I write them, so I'm a little biased. I just realized that I write in massive run-on sentences a lot, oh well.


ok, bye